[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
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Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection