So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
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Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Who does Amazon think I am?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that