As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall