Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
You Might Also Like
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
No. YOU-buprofen.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again