Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.