*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
You Might Also Like
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.