My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”