Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.