Is fake venison called venisn’t
You Might Also Like
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no