When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
happy valentine’s day to me
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*jingles half the way*
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
plant them where lol
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.