how to exercise your calf muscles
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Wait a minute
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.