fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men