This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.