“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
You Might Also Like
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?