Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
You Might Also Like
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?