An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
giddy up Office Depot
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”