FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!