I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
*lint rolls you awake*
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
#winning
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜