pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith