i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
The future is now.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑