my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
That’s easy for you to say