ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
You Might Also Like
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
I texted my husband about all the sex I鈥檓 expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she鈥檚 already made other plans that day.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You鈥檒l never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
felt that
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn鈥檛 have the heart to tell her it鈥檚 actually my kids.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 馃檨
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
if i owned a bakery, i鈥檇 call it That鈥檚 How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing鈥檚 Awry or We Enable Cookies or We鈥檙e Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.