Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
fair
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
#Caturday
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.