Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I had to Stop for this
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.