Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
You Might Also Like
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???