I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits