It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Not😆🤣
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.