My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
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When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.