Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring