Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.