the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Become ungovernable.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked