Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
(True)
Message from the dog groomers
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.