Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
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I put the h in mysterious.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.