me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
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My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.