me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.