*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
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Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
who will stop them
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Godspeed, John Glenn
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.