Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
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Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Matt Goss
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.