I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker