Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
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Perfect
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.