It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
No laws when master is gone
me when the borders lift
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
181.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.