Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I want to meet the individual who made this
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.