If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore