Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“What movie?” 🤔
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset