My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
You Might Also Like
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Just why bro?!
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
What number SPF blocks people?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore