a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
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cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
*updates tinder bio*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt