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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.