I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
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My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
the world’s most popular steaming services
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Love this guy
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open