Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.