hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Those are good neighbors.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.