I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You Might Also Like
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
pat pat
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Happy Caturday!
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea